Why Are We Still Fighting?

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, a union of love and trust. So why, years in, do couples still find themselves fighting? Dirty dishes, forgotten anniversaries, money woes—the sparks seem endless. You’d think with all the shared history, we’d have this figured out. But the truth isn’t in what we’re fighting about; it’s in what we’re fighting for. As the saying goes, "People don’t fight about things, they fight for things."

Picture this: a standoff over an unmade bed. She’s fuming because the blankets are a mess again; he’s annoyed because he doesn’t see the big deal. It looks like a fight about sheets, but it’s not. She’s fighting for order—a sense of control in a chaotic week. He’s fighting for ease, tired of rules after a long day. The bed’s just the stage; the real clash is what they’re each holding onto.

It plays out everywhere. A blowup over a missed dinner date isn’t about the reservation—she’s fighting for trust, needing to know he’s still in it; he’s fighting for breathing room, swamped by work and guilt. Budget arguments? Not about numbers—she’s after stability, he’s after freedom to live a little. Even the quiet tension after a sarcastic jab isn’t about the words—it’s her fighting for respect, him for a chance to be himself without judgment.

So why are we still fighting? Because marriage doesn’t erase what matters to us. We don’t stop wanting—needing—things like security, appreciation, or space just because we said "I do." Early on, it’s who picks the honeymoon spot; later, it’s who picks up the kids. The "things" we fight about change, but the "for" stays deep and personal. We fight because we’re invested—in the life we’ve built, the vows we swore, the partner we can’t let go of.

Here’s the twist: knowing we primarily fight for things can shift how we handle it. If she sees he’s chasing calm, not chaos, she might ease up on the bed. If he gets that she’s after reliability, not control, he might text before he’s late. It’s less about who’s right and more about what’s at stake. We’re still fighting because we’re human—messy, stubborn, and tangled up in each other. That’s not failure; that’s marriage.

The real question isn’t why we fight—it’s how we fight. Can we turn down the volume and tune in? Can we see the "for" behind the "things"? We’ll keep clashing as long as we care. But maybe, just maybe, we can fight for us instead of against each other.